Trick-or-treaters are going to show up at your house whether you like it or not, so treat them with the respect and deliciousness they deserve and don’t become that guy who spends November 1 scraping the eggs off of his house.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE OUT:
Apples
…or any other fruit for that matter. Not only is it disappointing as hell for a little kid expecting a Snickers, but there’s a good chance it’ll get smashed under the heft of the rest of the candy, leaving brown mush all over the candy they got from people who aren’t total kill-joys.
Marshmallows
They taste great, sure, but they came in a bag and everyone knows you have to take them out with your grubby hands. No one wants to eat that, not even little kids. If they don’t get dirty from your hands touching them, they’ll just get dirty in the bag and get thrown out later. Spring for something with a wrapper, cheapo.
A bag of pennies
Maybe back in the day a dime bag full of pennies could buy you some candy, but those days are long gone. Think about it, it’s like giving away a gift certificate for a piece of gum…and we’re not talking about the high-class teeth-whitening kind either.
Smarties
They’re small, chalky and get some kind of powder all over just about everything they come in contact with. Plus, it’s cliché. In our eyes, tradition has no place in candy consumption.
Those crappy lollipops they have at the bank
They’re free at the bank for a reason. Well, several reasons actually. The first being that they’re almost free. You can get a two-ton bag of them at your local warehouse store for less than the price of one real Twix bar. The second reason is because they taste like crap.
Anything you made yourself
In your eyes, you’re going out of your way to give kids a special and unique treat that goes above and beyond the normal fare. In their eyes you’re giving them a crappy cookie that their parents will throw away as soon as they get home for fear of it containing razor blades. So, we guess this one is all right if you only give them to kids with neglectful parents. Or orphans.
Raisins
Possibly the crappiest item on the list, those little boxes of raisins never get eaten. People generally give them out under the pretense that they want to make kids healthier. In reality, they give them out because they hate fun. It’s Halloween, let kids eat a friggin’ Milky Way.
Granola bars
Granola is for hippies, and sometimes for breakfast.
THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE OUT:
Anything made by a real candy company
We’ve all heard of Nestle and Hershey, mainly because they’ve been around forever and make kick-ass candy. Kids will be unhappy when you clutter their bags full of Mrs. Mary’s Minty Peanut Caramel Logs.
Slim Jims
The only non-candy substance we condone handing out on the scariest day of the year is meat. Since a package of hot dogs probably wouldn’t go over so well, your best bet is probably a handful of these surprisingly delicious meat sticks.
Candy apples
We know we said no fruit, but when it has been dipped in candy, it’s hard to complain. For an even better effect, try dipping a Slim Jim in the candy apple coating. Who knows, it might get your mug on Food Network. Or the local news.
(Via StuffMagazine.com)
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